Reviewer, Mary Lou Codman-Wilson, PhD – Pastoral Psychology, Psychological Anthropology, Christian Education, Buddhism, Date reviewed 3/ 26/ 25
Rating 5 stars
Soundbite:
Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our primary love language and become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language. (p.16)
Review:
Normally, I do not review any books older than those published after 2015, but Chapman’s classic book on the 5 Love Languages has a timelessness that proved relevant this week in my life. Therefore, I reread it after my first exposure to Chapman’s material 30 years ago and realized many current readers would also profit from this brief review.
Chapman clearly articulates the differences between each of the primary love languages – words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, giving gifts, physical touch. Learning how to relate to one’s spouse in any of these primary love languages is the foundation for saving or reviving marriages where one or both spouses say, “I don’t love him/her anymore.” Often when the relationship has deteriorated to that stage, the spouse whose empty tank is causing them great grief and frustration will turn his/her focus to having their primary love language met by someone outside the marriage. With the weakening of moral, Biblical values in secular western societies, this has resulted in abuse, divorce, adultery, multiple “lovers”, different fathers for children of the same mother and visa-versa, unfaithfulness and even suicide.
What I found most relevant in this cultural context 30 years after Love Languages was first published is Chapman’s clear distinction between the initial stages of “falling in love” and the more realistic, mature stages of the choices to love one’s spouse by choosing to understand their primary emotional love language and then choosing to meet the spouse’s emotional need through their primary love language. Some of the excerpts will highlight this essential difference. Five stars.
Excerpts:
We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.(p.14)
The euphoria of the “in love” state gives us the illusion that we have an intimate relationship. We feel that we belong to each other. We feel altruistic toward one another. . . obsessed with the willingness to give anything for the benefit of our lover… whom we believe feels the same way toward us. But that thinking is unrealistic Once the experience of falling in love has run its natural course (the average experience last two years). . .the illusion of intimacy evaporates and the individual desires, emotions, thoughts and behavior patterns exert themselves and couples fall out of love. At that point either they withdraw, separate, divorce and set off in search of a new “in-love” experience, or they begin the hard work of learning to love each other without the euphoria of the in-love obsession. (pp.31-33)
Research seems to indicate that. . .we can recognize the in-love experience for what it is – a temporary emotional high- and now pursue “real love” with our spouse. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another. . .I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving. That kind of love unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth.(p.34-35)
The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. (p.41)
When the emotional tank is low. . .we have no love feelings toward our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain. (p.150)
Words of affirmation [one of the five primary love languages] include giving encouraging words, kind words. “Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. (p.44)
A central aspect of quality time [a second primary love language] is togetherness. I do not mean proximity. . .Togetherness has to do with focused attention, (p.59)
Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future, Instead we can say, “I’m sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.” I have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice to love. (p.129)
When my spouse lovingly invests time, energy, and effort in me, I believe that I am significant. .I am now free to develop my potential. I am more secure in my self-worth and can now turn my efforts outward instead of being obsessed with my own needs. True love always liberates. (p.140)